Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Birthday Party Thoughts

Morgan's birthday is on March 7th and Alyssa's is on the 29th. I’m thinking about combining their birthday parties and renting out Gymboree and having the party there. This way I don't have to worry about everyone at my house (and set up or clean up). I will probably do something small food-wise for the kids (thinking lunchables), and then the cake (which I'd like to do a cake for each of them, but that's a LOT of work, since I like to make those special home-made character cakes for them).

I'll make sure I do something special with them on their actual birthdays too. Alyssa is actually kind of excited to share a party with her sister. I just want to be sure they each get their own "spotlight" for present opening and I get concerned about time and rushing.Gymboree is nice because you don't have to pay per child; you pay to rent the place. And you can pay more for an instructor, but I figure free play will be fine. The only problem is that Gymboree is only for kids 5 and under and I have a couple kids that I normally invite that are a little older, so I'm not sure what to do about that.

I’m also concerned about how this birthday party is going to make me feel. I went to a birthday party on Sunday and got really depressed seeing all these kids with their dads. It made me so sad and jealous and then angry. I’ve even thought about not doing a birthday party, but being that Alyssa has talked about her birthday party since before Christmas, I can’t really take that away from her.

She often asks if her dad will be back before her birthday and that breaks my heart! She gets upset and starts crying thinking he will never be home.

It’s so frustrating to hear and see a four year old going through those emotions.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Old Habits Die Hard

I want to be a better blogger. I need to be a better blogger. I will be a better blogger.

I've had the Post-Christmas blues.

He was sent away on November 24th. A few days later was Thanksgiving and then started the holiday season and all the hustle and bustle of being busy when it comes to that time of year.

Then the New Year hits. And this year, it hit me hard. I felt very lonely on New Years. It was the first New Years in my whole life that I wasn't with people my age. It really made me think a lot, which for me is not really a good thing. I over analyze EVERYTHING! I let Alyssa stay up with me, because I couldn't stand being alone! She did great and had a lot of fun watching the ball drop. Then at 12:09 she asked me if she could go to bed because she was tired.

I have to admit, I don't like being alone. I also don't like to make decisions. I ponder and wonder if they are good ones or bad ones or if I'm going to regret them or be happy. I wonder if I'll be alone for a long time. I plan on not settling for anything, but wonder if my loniness will take over and brainwash me.

I'm terrified of gaining my weight back, but yet, find myself eating uncontrollably after the kids go to bed. I should be walking on the treadmill, but I'm too exhausted. I should go to bed, but I've got things to do. Lunches to pack, laundry to do, dishes to finish, toys to clean up. It's never ending.

I'm scared and I'm lonely and I'm tired and I feel so out of control. I'm thinking I need help!

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy New Year ~ 2009

I read on another blog that they don’t make resolutions; they make “goals”. I’m going to steal that and run. I decided to make goals for the New Year 2009.

To be more patient with my children. Life has become very hectic around here with me going back to work full time and when you are the only one disciplining and your children are pushing you to your limits, it has made me much more irritable. I’m going to re-read the books I have on discipline and maybe pick one up on single parenting and take it from there. I MUST learn how to do this, or the kids will never learn to respect me and they will fall into my habits, which I do not want either!

List the baby clothes on eBay. They are piled in my room in boxes and it is driving me INSANE! Hopefully this will be the first one that will be accomplished.

Schedule myself times for working out. Whether it is walking/running on the treadmill or doing an aerobic video, I NEED to get back into working out regularly. If I don’t plan to do so, then when it gets time at night, I’m too tired. If I have it “scheduled” I’ll feel more obligated to do so, since I have it planned. I’d also like to look into the Y and see if I can get any single parent assistance. I’d love to join the Y for both me and the girls, but can’t afford it.

Plan better meals / cook more. Since being back to work full time, I have not been good at cooking as much. I used to always cook and have good meals every night. We’ve eaten cereal for dinner more times in the past month or two than we have in the past 5 years! My mom got me a new Crockpot that has a timer, so I’m going to pull out some recipes and get cracking on making better meals for dinner!

Lose weight! I need to start tracking for Weight Watchers again. I have really let myself go and not been paying attention as to what I’m eating lately. I’ve still been good at the not getting fast food, but I’ve been snacking way more than I’d like to and eating after I’ve already eaten dinner is another big thing I’ve gotten back into that is BAD! I’d really like to see another 20-30 pounds come off of my body!

Go to church more regularly. I have really gotten away from getting to church and I really want my girls to grow up with the catholic foundation that I grew up with. I think it’s a great way to get out and see if there are groups that the girls and I can get involved in and meet some new people.

I plan on thinking of more, but this is my start. I’d like to constantly make and achieve goals for myself this year. This is the year of ME and how I’m going to thrive and become very independent with all the things that I thought I couldn’t do.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Our first movie theatre expierience

A friend from work gave me two free tickets to go and see the movie Bolt. We had never been to a theatre and figured why not, at least it's free. It's not the movie I would have chosen for them, but once again, it was FREE!

We were all excited. We packed a snack and got there a few minutes late (which was OK). After we got settled in, they ate their cookies. Five minutes after that, Morgan "didn't want to watch the puppy anymore" and Alyssa wanted to go home.

I told them we had to stay until the movie was over. They were OK. Then about half way through, they fell asleep. Both of them! I had to wake Alyssa up after the movie was over.

Well, I thought it was a good movie. Maybe we'll have better luck next time!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Very Accomplished

On Friday, I was quite nervous that we were heading into the last weekend before Christmas, and I had not wrapped one single present. I also was nervous that I had to make a ka-trillion cookies for a party on Sunday, and for the Christmas week. I thought for sure, I'd be pulling an all-nighter somewhere in there.

But, I skipped my Weight Watcher meeting on Saturday (which I probably shouldn't have done, considering the amount of cookies and food I consumed this weekend, maybe I would have been a little more cautious). And I started baking from the minute I got up with the girls. We made like 50 sugar cookies, frosted and sprinkled. Chocolate Chip Cookies, with M&Ms and some with Hershey kisses and rice crispy treats.

Then on my lucky streak, my mother called me and asked if they could take the girls to the mall. You don't have to ask me twice! I got them ready and they were gone for two glorious hours! And in those two hours I wrapped and wrapped and wrapped some more! I have pretty much all of their Christmas presents wrapped now (and I still can't find that one stinkin' bag. I'm starting to think those will be Easter presents at this point).

I feel so relieved and now I can go into these last few days before Christmas not so stressed. Although that gives me lots more time for thinking, which is not so good these days either...

Saturday, December 20, 2008

I'm that good

That I can't even find the Christmas presents I hid. Not all of them, just a few that were in a bag.

Seriously, I've looked everywhere that I could have possibly stuck them. Where in the world did they disappear to?!?

Thursday, December 18, 2008

An Open to letter to my MIL

Dear soon-to-be EX Mother In Law,

I know you and I have never really connected on any kind of level. I cringed when you called and let your son answer the phone when I saw your name on caller ID. I cannot stand that you lack social skills from not being in a workplace in over 30 years. I cannot stand that you can’t take any kind of joke. I cannot stand how you “argue” with my four year old on who won the tic tac toe game, when really she’s just getting a rise out of you, because it’s that easy.

I know you are blind when it comes to your son and his wrong doings. I know you blame me and my family. I know you are sad your only son is in prison and you now are left with me, someone who you never got to connect with. I know you are in denial. I sort of laughed when you said it was un-just and while I somewhat can agree (for other reasons), the truth of the matter is he DID do something wrong. He told me the story, he told his lawyer the story and from what I hear he’s told you the story SEVERAL times. You just must be a little hard of hearing, since you still yelled at the lawyer telling him that your son didn’t do anything wrong.

I also hear that you are upset with me, because I don’t intend to “stick it out” with your son. First of all, it has NOTHING to do with “sticking it out”, as much as it does about feelings and intimacy. And when you feel like you can’t touch your husband, well, I believe that’s a problem. I’m not so sure I can get past what has happened here. I’m very resentful, which turns me into a little bit of a bitch. Really, I don’t deserve to feel that way every day for the rest of my life and in fairness, your son doesn’t deserve to be treated that way either. So, while you think I’m not “sticking it out” because 3 years it too long, it’s more like I’m scared of what 3 years of built up resentment is going to do to a marriage. Your son and I have talked. He knows that I don’t think we will ever be the same again and he agreed with me when I said it wasn’t fair to either of us. I tried. For 9 months, I tried! Marriage counseling, spending time together and spending time apart. It never changed anything. I still felt the same.

Your son tells me to ask you guys for help when I need it. I’m not so comfortable doing that. You have always watched the kids for us on Thursdays. It’s a great deal, really. You get an entire day with the girls to yourself without me breathing down your neck and I don’t have to visit with you on weekends when I’d rather be doing other things, like (well really I can’t think of one thing I’d pass up to sit at your house and this includes an enema). And you don’t make me pay you, which rocks!

In the almost 5 years you have committed babysitting my children, it was never a problem that you came to my house early. You used to come over about 6:30-6:45, so I could get my butt into work to get in some extra time in. Now, I know that right now, the economy SUCKS and I’m forced to only work 40 hours a week, and therefore cannot go into work any earlier than my scheduled time, but I’m hoping (fingers crossed) that they lift that no OT block and I’d be able to put in a couple hours a week. One of those hours was going to be because you came to my house early.

See, when I work about 3 hours a week OT, that really equates to approximately $100 in my paycheck and therefore equals $200 a month. Do you know that is a make it or break it number for my bills?!? I’m sure you do, because I’m sure your son has told you.

So, imagine my surprise when you came over this morning (yes, early because I asked since I’m supposed to leave work early in order to go to my daughter’s pre-school Christmas party), and proceeded to tell me that 7:30 works better for you. And you didn’t say it nicely either. It’s was sort of rude. Like that I asked you to come over a little early this morning is going to kill you! You don’t work for Pete’s sake. And you only would have to do it one day a week.

Whatever. Thanks for your help! You really are a gem!

Your soon to be ex-daughter in law (I’d bet we both can’t wait on that one).