Birthday Party Thoughts

Morgan's birthday is on March 7th and Alyssa's is on the 29th. I’m thinking about combining their birthday parties and renting out Gymboree and having the party there. This way I don't have to worry about everyone at my house (and set up or clean up). I will probably do something small food-wise for the kids (thinking lunchables), and then the cake (which I'd like to do a cake for each of them, but that's a LOT of work, since I like to make those special home-made character cakes for them).

I'll make sure I do something special with them on their actual birthdays too. Alyssa is actually kind of excited to share a party with her sister. I just want to be sure they each get their own "spotlight" for present opening and I get concerned about time and rushing.Gymboree is nice because you don't have to pay per child; you pay to rent the place. And you can pay more for an instructor, but I figure free play will be fine. The only problem is that Gymboree is only for kids 5 and under and I have a couple kids that I normally invite that are a little older, so I'm not sure what to do about that.

I’m also concerned about how this birthday party is going to make me feel. I went to a birthday party on Sunday and got really depressed seeing all these kids with their dads. It made me so sad and jealous and then angry. I’ve even thought about not doing a birthday party, but being that Alyssa has talked about her birthday party since before Christmas, I can’t really take that away from her.

She often asks if her dad will be back before her birthday and that breaks my heart! She gets upset and starts crying thinking he will never be home.

It’s so frustrating to hear and see a four year old going through those emotions.

Old Habits Die Hard

I want to be a better blogger. I need to be a better blogger. I will be a better blogger.

I've had the Post-Christmas blues.

He was sent away on November 24th. A few days later was Thanksgiving and then started the holiday season and all the hustle and bustle of being busy when it comes to that time of year.

Then the New Year hits. And this year, it hit me hard. I felt very lonely on New Years. It was the first New Years in my whole life that I wasn't with people my age. It really made me think a lot, which for me is not really a good thing. I over analyze EVERYTHING! I let Alyssa stay up with me, because I couldn't stand being alone! She did great and had a lot of fun watching the ball drop. Then at 12:09 she asked me if she could go to bed because she was tired.

I have to admit, I don't like being alone. I also don't like to make decisions. I ponder and wonder if they are good ones or bad ones or if I'm going to regret them or be happy. I wonder if I'll be alone for a long time. I plan on not settling for anything, but wonder if my loniness will take over and brainwash me.

I'm terrified of gaining my weight back, but yet, find myself eating uncontrollably after the kids go to bed. I should be walking on the treadmill, but I'm too exhausted. I should go to bed, but I've got things to do. Lunches to pack, laundry to do, dishes to finish, toys to clean up. It's never ending.

I'm scared and I'm lonely and I'm tired and I feel so out of control. I'm thinking I need help!